In such homes, great importance is attached to achievements. I think the way these kids are created sends the message, “You’re not good enough. You must achieve. You are not accepted.”
When children struggle, it is especially devastating. Some babies are disabled due to prematurity, which used to be a substantial risk with IVF. They either have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes parents chose an egg donor and later found out that she had mental problems. The child is then looked at through a lens that can be quite devastating and traumatic: “Your donor is crazy, so you must be too.”
The child grows up feeling completely different, knowing that he was an experiment, but not receiving the proper support and acceptance he needs to develop. Because there is no guardian who will say, “I understand you.” There is none of this.
In my work, I assist parents accept: This is the child you have. I assist children accept the reality of their parents and create a relationship that is less painful – or build a life without them.
In many of my families, members are neurodiverse and need assist making abstract concepts concrete. Sometimes just explaining “you and your child are not the same person” does the trick. Or say that your teenager doesn’t feel loved. I may have to explain to them that “love” is not a concrete feeling like a pinch or a kick. It means that someone feels fond of you, just like you feel fond of Legos or drones.
In high school, many teenagers connect with step-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes with siblings spread across the world. In these families, it’s common for different egg donors to go to different children as they try to have, say, an athletic son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found a step-sibling and is bonding, while the other child has not had a good experience with his newfound relatives? Who are you inviting to Thanksgiving?
I really feel sorry for moms. They’re trying to balance everyone’s expectations and keep it all together. But it’s also unfair to fathers. Because I’m not sure fathers can accurately predict human behavior. They can probably predict stocks, but human behavior has too many variables. I don’t know if anyone makes sure parents understand they can’t test their child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The kid will rebel. If you have a preconceived idea of what they will be like, you will either be seriously disappointed or you will throw them into a mold and it won’t work.
Maybe it works sometimes, but people like that don’t come to me.
—As told to Emi Nietfeld