if whenever you were talking to someone and then felt like your time would be better spent talking to a brick wall, you’ll definitely identify with Rebecca West’s observations. “There is no such thing as conversation” – wrote the novelist and literary critic in her collection of miniature stories, Acute voice. “It’s an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that’s all.
If someone feels like their conversations have left no impression on those around them, that is the definition of existential isolation. You’ve probably experienced this on a bad date, a terrible dinner, or during an endless family gathering.
Psychological research has identified many habits and biases that create barriers between us and others. If we want to have better contact with the people around us, we must learn to overcome them. The good news is that the fixes are very easy to put into practice. Small changes to our conversational style can have huge benefits.
Let’s start with the sins of inattention. “The art of conversation is both the art of hearing and being heard,” said 19th-century essayist William Hazlitt in his book. About the authors’ conversationpublished in 1820. “Some of the best orators are in this respect the worst company.”
Hazlitt noticed that many of his literary friends—who included Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Stendhal, and William Wordsworth—were so eager to show off their wit and intelligence that they lacked the basic politeness needed to listen to others. Instead, he recommended that we imitate the painter James Northcote, who he claimed was the best listener, and therefore the best conversationalist, he knew. “I never ate or drank with Mr. Northcote; but for as long as I can remember I have lived with his conversation with undiminished delight,” wrote Hazlitt. Who wouldn’t want to leave their friends in such a mood?
The easiest way to do this is to ask more questions, but surprisingly few people successfully cultivate this habit. While pursuing her PhD in organizational behavior at Harvard University, Karen Huang invited over 130 participants to her laboratory and asked them to talk in pairs for fifteen minutes via instant messenger. She found that even within those 15 minutes, the percentage of people asking questions varied greatly, from about four or fewer on the low end to nine or more on the high end.
Asking more questions can have a gigantic impact on someone’s likability. IN separate experiment, Huang’s team analyzed recordings of people’s conversations while speed dating. Some people consistently asked more questions than others, which significantly predicted their chances of getting a second date.
It’s straightforward to see why questions are so sweet: they show a desire to build mutual understanding and give you a chance to test each other’s experiences. But even if we ask a lot of questions, we may not be asking the right kind. In her analyses, Huang considered six different categories of questions. You can see examples below:
1. Introduction
Hi!
Hello how are you doing?
2. Continuation
I’m planning a trip to Canada.
Frigid. Have you ever been there?
3. Full switch
I work at a parched cleaner.
What do you like to do for fun?
4. Partial switch
I’m not much of a fan of the outdoors, but I don’t mind hiking or something like that from time to time.
Have you been to the beach in Boston often?